Have you ever found yourself contemplating “I’ve always thought that I had a perfect childhood”, only to quickly dismiss this intrusive idea, despite it planting a tiny seed of doubt in your mind? Perhaps it happened while reading a book or watching a movie. Maybe it is after witnessing the way your friend interacts with their family, or recognising relatable behaviours described in a lecture, that prompted you to wonder – what is it that went wrong? The reality is, if you find yourself pondering, then there is a good chance your childhood carried some hidden scars, because individuals with a healthy childhood seldom have such doubts. It is not to say these doubts are bad, on the contrary, having doubts is the first step to unveiling your scars, after which you can then begin the journey of healing your wounded inner child.
When trauma is mentioned, people tend to think of highly extreme incidents. This is because most studies on trauma are focused on war veterans, physical/sexual abuse survivors and individuals who have otherwise suffered greatly in their lives. However, that is not always the case with trauma, as it can manifest in various, and more often, subtle forms. Mundane details in daily life, for instance, could prove to have an enormous impact on a child’s development, which is then carried into adulthood (see Heim et al., 2008, Wiersma et al., 2009 and Mandelli et al., 2015). The purpose here is not to compare the validity of different traumas, but in many cases, an individual’s trauma is not severe enough for them to notice on an explicit level, but also not benign enough for them to live a pain-free life. People might find themselves struggling with self-esteem, setting boundaries, building relationships and many more, but their own falsely calibrated beliefs of trauma will convince them that they are just being dramatic, or they are just overreacting, deeming themselves “not broken enough” to be worthy of help when their feelings are entirely valid and deserving of care. Consequently, they become trapped in a spiral of blaming themselves for the troubles they face, believing that they are not good enough, which only worsens their ability to cope.
The mundane details mentioned earlier can exist in any form, just like trauma, they are highly flexible and profoundly impactful. The parents’ view alone can contribute greatly to a child’s personality traits. Meanwhile, children follow their parents closely since birth and easily believe whatever their parents tell them, which is argued to be an evolutionary trait for infants to have a greater chance of survival (Keller, 2000). This potentially paves the way for children to internalise their parents’ views, causing them to lose hold of their own purpose in life. Take the parents’ expectations towards academic achievement, for example, which might not be a problem when a child is still young, since the educational systems around the world are roughly similar – elementary-level education, higher education, and eventually the decision of whether to go to university. However, once the child leaves the system, in this case, progresses into university or workplace, they mature and develop their own beliefs while still holding on to the internalised views they obtained from their parents. A mismatch in beliefs is enough to cause a child confusion about their purpose, which could easily lead to distress about the future, burnout from maintaining high performance and much more. Importantly, parents and primary caregivers are not the sole factor that influences the development of a child which could potentially induce trauma, nor are academic expectations. Teachers, peers and the environment they were in contact with play an equally crucial role, as well as the worldview and beliefs delivered to them since they were a child, and their life experiences growing up so far.
The good news is that more and more individuals are starting to realise the impact of their childhood scars on their later life. Many social media influencers are calling out their parents’ toxic behaviours in the form of comedic skits. Multiple studies also demonstrated that although the younger generations appear to be more affected by mental health conditions, they are significantly more likely to seek help than previous generations (American Psychological Association, 2018). This could be related to the decreased stigmatisation around mental health over recent years, regardless, recognising mental health appropriately is in itself, an act of awakening. When I moved across the world to an entirely different culture, I soon realised how things that seemed normalised to me were considered unacceptable because of their detrimental effects, and I, too, doubted my childhood. But it saddens me to see my friends who are still unaware of how their childhood could explain the emotional frustration they are experiencing, or the excessive amount of anxiety they could have lived without. This is also the purpose of this article, to raise awareness of the way childhood traumas can easily be overlooked because of how subtle and mundane they can be.
For this reason, I applaud you for having doubts about your childhood, for it requires a great deal of courage to question and potentially admit one’s upbringing might not be as perfect as they thought. However, it is a necessary step to take to move on from the past and experience the future you deserve. To quote a sentence from The Practice of Zen (1978): “The greater the doubt, the greater the awakening; the smaller the doubt, the smaller the awakening. No doubt, no awakening.”
References
American Psychological Association. (2018). STRESS IN AMERICA: GENERATION Z. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2018/stress-gen-z.pdf
Cheng-Chi, C., & Zhang, Z. (1978). The Practice of Zen. Greenwood.
Heim, C., Newport, D. J., Mletzko, T., Miller, A. H., & Nemeroff, C. B. (2008). The link between childhood trauma and depression: Insights from HPA axis studies in humans. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 33(6), 693–710.
Keller, H. (2000). Human Parent-Child Relationships from an Evolutionary Perspective. American Behavioral Scientist, 43(6), 957–969.
Mandelli, L., Petrelli, C., & Serretti, A. (2015). The role of specific early trauma in adult depression: A meta-analysis of published literature. Childhood trauma and adult depression. European Psychiatry, 30(6), 665–680.
Wiersma, J. E., Hovens, J. G. F. M., van Oppen, P., Giltay, E. J., van Schaik, D. J. F., Beekman, A. T. F., & Penninx, B. W. J. H. (2009). The Importance of Childhood Trauma and Childhood Life Events for Chronicity of Depression in Adults. The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 70(7), 983–989.
